Sometimes you lead, Sometimes you follow
by LovelyxWriter
Summary: Set in S4 after Pandora/Linchpin. Castle is showing signs of Anxiety and Beckett wants to be by his side. Just the way I would have loved to see it played in my own AU mind.
**Authors Note: This is my first ever Castle FanFiction and writing of any short story. I've only ever wrote poetry for fun. I welcome any positive, negative, helpful tips comments. I hope you all enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: If I owned Castle we definitely would not be rooting for season 9 to not exist.**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 1**_

"We got nothing over here," says LT.

"Us either," replied Beckett. As something nasty hooked on to her jeans from the trash that they were searching through.

"WAIT WAIT I GOT IT," exclaimed Castle

Castle passes off the purse he found to Beckett as he jumps out. She holds out her hand to steady herself ready to jump out of the trash bin. Castle reaching out to steady her so she doesn't fall. She opens the purse finding a cell phone, wallet, lip gloss, and mints. _Perfect for a date_ , she thinks to herself.

"Sarah Lee Baker, 23, Long Island Resident," she speaks while looking through the wallet and handing the rest of the bag to Ryan.

"What's she doing all the way in Chinatown," questions Espo.

"Well we're going to find out."

"Says here that she's was suppose to be meeting a Johnson Hodgins for Dinner at 8pm," says Ryan "The phone is locked but it's in the notification setting as an alarm."

"Lanie estimated the time of death between 9 – 11pm so let's find this Hodgins guy and see what his story is, notify the next of kin," stated Beckett

Castle blacked out the rest of the conversation as he looks at Lanie look around the body. She was only 23 and regardless of how he likes murder. He couldn't help but feel sadness at the pit of his stomach because of the life that was taken away, until his mind cut back to Beckett saying,

"Ok I'll go with you guys change at the station and head out," as she turns around to face Castle.

"You good to run your errand from here?" she questions.

He could feel the panic start to set in and his hands start to shake a little. Before it could take over "Yeah, fine, see you later." Trying to keep a calm face. Beckett looks at him knowing that didn't sound right but before she can ask him anything

Espo interrupts, "Gonna get this bagged up and see if Lanie found anything else."

She turns to reply and he quickly walks away before she can turn back around to question him.

He made it around the corner into the small alley next to the building before he holds his hand to his chest trying to relax himself. It doesn't work. It never does.

His heart was beating so loudly, at the same time that he can feel the dizziness start to set in. Feeling his head start to sway to the side, palms start to sweat and his vision getting blurry. He just wants it to stop and he can't make it stop. He hates this. Hates feeling like he has no control over what the hell is going on with his on body. He just wants it to stop.

" _Get it together.. relax.. RELAX."_ he was screaming at himself

 _What's wrong with you. Get it together. What kind of man are you?_

 _You can't be around her 24/7. You know you have to go to that meeting today._

 _STOP._

 _Maybe you can lie. Say they canceled the meeting. Go back to the station._

 _NO._

 _Cut it out. You're losing it._

He could hear a voice calling for him breaking him out of thoughts but his heart was beating to loud for him to hear clearly. He hopes the voices is in his head. He can't do this right now.

"Castle," Lanie spoke softly, closer this time.

"Lanie, I'm okay I promise" he stutters out between breathes.

"Boy shush.. relax and take a deep breath," Lanie says "4 seconds in and 6 out."

"Good there you go"

He could feel his breathings starting to settle in and feel his body start to come down from the attack. He could handle this one. They were worse when he was alone he realized. He could feel himself starting to settle back into his body.

" _You need to get over it moron,"_ he thought to himself.

"When did they start," she asked, looking at him with sadness in her eyes. Sadness he knows is pity. He doesn't want pity.

"fir-"

"Don't you lie to me writer boy"

He hung his head down slowly and quietly replied, "after our car went in the river."

"Oh sweetie"

"Its okay really – "

"Does Beckett know, you hav –"

"NO .. no "he blurts out quickly, "please don't she already has enough to worry about."

"Cas –"

"Lanie please don't I'm okay I swear."

"Do you know what triggers them."

He doesn't want to say but he feels his head shaking yes. He already knows that she's looking at him for an answer. She won't leave without one. He doesn't want to embarrass himself.

"Being away from beckett," he whispers.

He's afraid to look up, so he keeps his eyes down.

"How do you deal when you both go home."

He didn't want to answer and he moves his head down even lower. Pinching between his nose to get himself together before he quietly replies, "I sit outside of her building."

"You what?" her tone makes him raise his head to look at her. He finds her staring with a raised eyebrow at him.

"I promise I don't stalk her or anything, it's the only thing that makes it okay or I start freaking out and I can't breathe and It's the only way I can be by her without telling her something is wrong. I promise I'll stop Lanie, please just don't tell her – "

Lanie cut off his rambling, "Castle, I'm not going to tell her but you need to –"

He starts to shake his head

"Let me finish.. Not right now of course, I get it castle but you need to see someone okay? She's going to freak out if she thinks you're stalking her. She wouldn't judge you for having panic attacks."

"Ok I promise I'll set something to see someone."

" _Anything so beckett doesn't find out"_ he thinks to himself

"You should go back," he tells her, "before they think something is wrong."

"I'll just be a second, I need to get myself together."

"Cas – "

"Lanie, I promise okay?"

She looks at him a moment before she nodded her head and walks away

"And Lanie," he spoke after her "Thank you."

She turns around slightly and replies, "Anytime, writer boy."

As he gets himself together, he never notices the figure hidden before the Alley just a bit ahead.

Beckett backs away and throws her head back against the wall.. He was falling apart and afraid to come to her because he was afraid for her to pull away. She was really starting to hate herself. She thought they were getting closer. That he felt comfortable enough to come to her. She knows that she hasn't exactly reached out to him but she has been trying. She just needed time. She was screwing this up even while trying to fix it.

She heard him walking and quickly walks towards Espo.

"Javi, I have to deal with something and I'm gonna change at home. I forgot I don't have any clothes at the station from the last time we had to change. Lets meet up there okay?" she quickly threw his way.

"Everything okay boss?" he asks

"Yeah, just something I need to handle" she states quickly.

As castle walks back. He quickly returns to the car to retrieve his jacket. He lifts himself straight trying to relax from the anxiety trying to come back. Taking a step back, a voice stops him from anymore.

"Castle, change of plans, come with me," Beckett states as she goes around the front of the car to her side.

He tries to pretend that he didn't know that voice and that the relief that spread through him inside covering his anxiety was just a weird feeling to the food that he eaten from their favorite Chinese place earlier.

"What's wrong?" he asks facing towards her.

"Nothing, something we need to handle, can your errand wait?" she replied

"Sure, but what is it?" he asked as he sat in the car and turns over in her direction facing her from the passenger seat.

She presses the gas, the car roaring to life. "Don't worry."

He looks at her and as much as he wanted to press for more information. He could still feel a bit of the anxiety creeping in. So he focuses on his phone. Shooting a message to Gina that they need to reschedule. He has no idea how much time passes because the next thing he knows they're pulling up to her apartment and she's calling for him to get out.

"Castle, I have to grab something, come up though. I need to change out of these clothes before we go"

"Sure, no problem," he replies with a smile.

As they walked into the elevator he couldn't help himself. "Couldn't wait to get me alone could you Beckett." he winks his facing forming that annoying favorite smug smile of hers.

"Of course Castle, how else would I get you to kiss me," she says casually.

she realizes quickly what she says and mentally screams at herself

 _WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT! SHUT UP!_

"Ye- wait what?"

"You're so easy," she laughs.

"You wound me detective," Castle pouts.

"Poor baby," she laughs but she has to look away. It took everything to not take that lower lip and bite in between her teeth and claim her mark on him.

 _Snap out of it! He needs a friend not a quickie though - she was sure he wouldn't mind… NO._

The elevator reaches her floor. She unlocks her door and questions, "Coffee?"

"Yeah, I'll get it though, you get what you need."

She almost let out that she didn't really need anything but remember she needs to change her clothes. She walks to her room, debating to shower and thought it couldn't hurt. Hoping it doesn't bother Castle that it may take a few minutes longer. Knowing it wouldn't.

"Castle, I'm gonna hop in the shower, that okay?"

"Sure, can I join?"

 _YES_

"In your dreams writer boy." she rolls her eyes in reply.

 **15 minutes later**

Castle must have not heard her get out the shower. So when she walks out fully dress, drying her hair. She's concerned to find him sitting on the couch with his head in between his head.

"You okay?" she questions.

He quickly sits up and fakes a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Ye – " he goes to reply but she doesn't let him finish.

She bends down and wraps her arms around him.

He doesn't register what's going on but his hand automatically wraps themselves around her waist and pulls her into his lap. He holds on tight. For a minute there is no speaking as he lays with his head against her shoulder and she rubs the hairs on the nape of his neck.

"You don't have to lie to me."

"What are y –"

"You're not okay, you don't have to lie to me. I know you're not okay."

"I'm -" but he squeezes her a little closer and stops answering. He doesn't want to lie to her.

They sit there holding each other. She can't pretend that she doesn't feel whole. Something about being in his arms making her feel safe. She wants him to feel the same way. She snuggles in a little more and he holds her a bit tighter.

He doesn't know what possesses her to hug him but he wont question it. He doesn't know what makes her not shoot him as he lays his head on her shoulder so close to her chest. Still, he doesn't question it. This moment has to be the only time that his anxiety level has not been present since her crown vic went into the river with them both inside. He feels whole and his chest hurts a little less.

No one speaks until her phone startles them from there... I guess you can call it cuddle session. She jumps out of his lap, detangling from him to grab the phone. He immediately feels the cold from not having her in his arms and he hates it. He wishes he could sit there and hold her against him forever. Unfortunately, duty calls.

"Beckett," she answers

"Hey we need you back here, we got a hit on the search of Johnson Hodgins. They're bringing him in for questioning"

"Ok on our way. See you in a few."

She turns to Castle. "We have to head back in. They got a hit on Hodgins. They're bringing him in."

"Ok no problem," he says as he gathers up his jacket.

"Ok one sec," She goes to get her stuff and fix up her hair.

When she gets back. Castle is standing there with two coffees in his hand.

"Ready," he asks. As he hands her a coffee.

"Yeah, come on. Thank you"

The ride to the station is met in comfortable silence until they get in the elevator.

"Beckett"

She looks over to him, "Yeah"

"Thank you" as he reaches over to tug her into a hug. She quickly wraps one arm around his waist. She tells herself it's for him. She knows she's lying. Squeezes him tight and let's go just as the elevator dings open.

She smiles at him, as they walk out the elevator. "Always" she bumps her shoulder into him as they walk themselves to her desk.

She knows she needs to bring up what she heard. But when she looks at him now. She could see that his smile reaches a little higher and the stress in his eyes dim a little less. So the little cuddle session will have to do for now. He looks over, catching her watching him and smiles. She can feel her heart swallowing itself whole and those blue eyes taking a spin, tugging around her heart. _Oh god she wants him. She wants to wrap her arms around him again and never let go. To look into those blue eyes and get lost in them._

Ryan snaps her out of her little daydream.

"Want a crack at him or should we?" Ryan questions.

"You go ahead, we'll watch."

"Gotcha."

She goes to make a bathroom run, when she comes back castle is already propped up with hands on either side of the desk, leaning against it. She props herself on top the desk next to him, close to his hand and she tells herself that he doesn't need to hold her but she realizes she wants to hold his.

She puts her hands over his slowly. Linking the fingers that were loosely hanging from the edge of the table with hers. She doesn't look at him when he looks down at their hands and at her. Though from the corner of her eyes, she can see him smirking. He doesn't move his hand and she focus on the interview.

The interview doesn't last long. Hodgins admits to killing her out of rage. He'd been talking to her for weeks and finally gets her to dinner that he paid for. They were necking in front of the warehouse and she wouldn't put out after she said she would. He got upset and killed her. He didn't mean for it to happen but it did and he was sorry. _Yeah, I'm sure he didn't._

Before Espo and Ryan make there way to debrief them, she quickly stands up squeezes his hand and kisses his cheek before stepping away and facing the window.

Before castle has time to react however Espo walks through the door.

"Did you see that? Sang like a bird," Espo stated proudly as he fist bumps with Ryan.

"That was too easy, I think he got scared the minute he saw us."

"Yeah probably scared you'll bake him some cookies honey milk," Castle replies.

Everyone chuckles while they walk out the room. Castle quickly grabs her back and before she can reply he kisses her lightly on the cheek and lets her go. Almost so fast she doesn't believe it happened as they continue walking behind the boys.

"Lock him in holding and let's get started on this paperwork." She finds herself saying.

"Got it Boss" "Gotcha" she hears.

As they sit down to start the paperwork. She sees Castle playing Angry birds. She doesn't know how long she watches him before he picks up his head to look at her.

"Staring is creepy you know"

"You would know, you do it all the time." She laughs.

"Touche detective, Touche."

Her left hand is on the edge of her seat as she reads the paper work that needs to be filled out. When she fills a finger hook around her pinky. She looks at it for split second before she smiles and continues on reading. She holds on to his pinky with hers. She looks up and sees him struggling to play Angry Bird with one hand and she chuckles lightly before she bends over and shoots one for his Angry Birds hitting his intended last target. He looks up and her heart startles in her chest and looking into his eyes she knows that _this is it_ for her its going to forever be her favorite thing. _But she knew that already. She's always known deep down._

He replies, "Thanks" with a smile. Breaking her out of thought and she smiles back in response before going back to her paperwork. She realizes that she let go of his hand that's still on top of her desk before she grabs his hand to fall down and grab his pinky again behind her desk where no one can see.

He smiles but never looks up. They stay like this until she hears feet shuffling their way towards them. He quickly withdraws his hands back into phone as if nothing ever happens. She looks up to find Espo ready to call it night.

"I'm done for today, see you guys tomorrow."

"See you" "Later Espo," they call out.


End file.
